Me and my friend, Herb, were having a few yeasty libations the other night at the malt shop. As we drained our last mug, here comes the waitress bearing down on our table with that small, but ominous piece of paper that must be indented with a viable credit card. Herb looked at me with zero-round eyes, the same shape as his bank account.
“Uh, Herb, I’d love the privilege, but didn’t I treat last time?â€
“Yeah, but what’s love or last time got to do with it?†This was outright illogical – even for Herb.
“I learned it from watching the Court TV channel,†he continued. “Past behavior is unallowable as evidence.â€
This liberal courtroom ruling was not at all in sync with my buddy’s medieval mind that considers the Magna Carta our last socially useful Civil Rights legislation. To Herb, the Iron Maiden, the Boot, and the Rack are a prosecutor’s best friends.
“All simple, low maintenance devices,†says Herb, “much more reliable than the polygraph.†He’s sympathetic, though, to the Appeals court system, as long as there is a 20% sentence extension if the accused loses.
He thinks the Miranda Act is Carmen’s old gig at the Copocabana.
The sight of my VISA card, slapped into the outstretched hand of our server, stimulated Herb to further conversation – jurisprudencewise. He was full of suggestions. First of all, he wanted to incentivize prosecutors.
“It just isn’t fair,†says Herb. “Here’s a DA who graduated from the State Agricultural School up against the Summa Cum Laude Ivy League Defense lawyer. County Road 251 against Fifth Avenue. Therefore,†postulates Herb, “prosecutors should be incentivized with conviction bonuses, which they can share with the judge. A tax free $10,000 for the ultimate penalty with lesser amounts for milder punishments. And of course the money comes out of a Conviction Incentive Pool, nourished by penalties on convicted felons.â€
“Yeah, and what about matching grants,†I gleefully added. “Yeah,†crowed herb. “Matching grants for cooperative jurors.†He loved it.
He had yet a further improvement to our judicial system – though not original. Herb picked it up from Steven Landsburg – an economist who did a book a few years back, titled “Fair Playâ€, published by Free Press. Landsburg, a hawk-eyed observer who clearly sees the beam in the eye of our current legal system, has a salutary suggestion; any juror voting for acquittal in a murder case must take the defendant home for a week’s sojourn in the bosom of his family. (“Dearie, this is Cracko “Gunner†McKenzie – responsible for a mass wipeout at work – not because he’s evil, but due to the fact that he suffered an irritating, third straight lottery loss. He’s really an OK guy. Signed his forced confession – “Troubledâ€. He’ll be sleeping in the chaise lounge in our bedroom.)
My solonic friend had a few more suggestions:
1. In any case involving personal injury, at least three members of the victim’s family shall be seated as jurors.
2. A national “Love Our Felon Week†in which the families of ACLU members are locked up in a 2′ by 2′ jail cell with prisoners.
3. Defendants must appear in court, dressed in their working uniforms. If the subject wore torn jeans, a T-shirt and a back-pocket bludgeon the night of his felony – that’s what he wears to court.
4. Every courtroom has a small stage where the crime is dramatically reenacted by professional actors whose bonuses upon conviction come out of the Conviction Incentive Pool.
5. Community Service will be abolished. Athletes with drug or alcohol related convictions and a raging compulsion to discuss them shall be gagged and kept ten miles from any schoolroom.
6. The maximum education for Public Defenders is only grammar school. “Unsatisfactory” in at least three courses a year is necessary to qualify for the post.
7. A defendant pleading insanity must submit to a prefrontal lobotomy by a palsied paramedic.
8. All felons are formally sentenced on Leap Year, February 29, and time is duly measured from that date. “Let the Supreme Court chew on that instead of criminal rights,†says Herb, the legislator.
9. Since convicted defendants can appeal through multiple judicial levels, let’s grant the same privilege to the prosecutors.
The Penal System? Herb’s got a nifty approach. “You empty the jails, round up the cons, and run the last great cattle drive in American history. From the four corners of our errant land, you herd ‘em to the top half of Alaska where they are provided with shelter (igloos) and food (blubber) and completely unrestrained to frolic with the carnivorous polar bear.
Just as soon as the Congress gets Social Security fixed up, Herb’s going to present his program. He’s no pollyanna. He expects some opposition from the Alaska delegation.
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“prosecutors should be incentivized with conviction bonuses, which they can share with the judge.”
It’s sad that anyone thinks that this isn’t already true.
“”It just isn’t fair,†says Herb. “Here’s a DA who graduated from the State Agricultural School up against the Summa Cum Laude Ivy League Defense lawyer.”
That’s actually funny, but even if you are totally delusional and believe that, you’re leaving out the $1 million in tax funds the prosecutor gets to use at no personal expense versus the usually less than 1/100th of that that a defendant has to defend himself with. It really isn’t fair.
“any juror voting for acquittal in a murder case must take the defendant home for a week’s sojourn in the bosom of his family.”
That’s fine, so long as the opposite is also true. Anyone (judge, prosecutor, jury) who is involved with convicting an innocent person is subjected to the same punishment the innocent person received – death, years in prison, fines, etc. That’s just another way to “internalize” the costs of the system.
“The maximum education for Public Defenders is only grammar school.”
Again, I’d laugh if it wasn’t already so true. County “Here’s $20Gs a year, and here’s your caseload – 65 clients/month.” Only borderline retarded or sleazy slackers will take that deal.
laffin’
Herb is a funny and creative fellow. I wonder if his opinions would change if he were on receiving end of a criminal indictment? Has Herb paid all his taxes? Does Herb like to drive after a few libations? Has Herb ever yelled at his woman-friend or suggested violence to her? Perhaps Herb has drained a wetland that he foolishly thought was a stagnant pool of water in his backyard?
In any case, the Conviction Incentive Pool sounds fascinating, as does the idea of having victim’s loved ones sitting on juries.
Bryan, glad your “laffin”. Thats why I wrote it – to poke fun at our legal system which expediently indicts and prosecutes 10,000 nuances of municipal, state, and federal lawbreaking but takes months, years to convict, if ever, the guy that axed his wife to death. ted
Not too long ago here in Florida, had one arrogant state Circuit Judge send about a dozen people to jail for contempt, because the court bailiffs directed them to the wrong court room and as a result they were late for their hearings. The only good thing is that it is looking like he may be permanantly removed from the bench soon.
Don, Yeah, I get your drift. But why can’t the judge have a nip or even a gulp as the trial proceeds. No you’re rite – mite put him in a loving mood. ted
They recently had a fake current affairs show down in Oz called Real Stories.
In one of the stories, Tasmania decides to legalise crime to reduce the crime rate. They give criminals licenses to rob people, so criminals just need to wander up to someone show their license and then ask for the keys to their car.
But statistically no crime has been committed as it’s all legal.
After a couple of weeks the law is revoked. The reporters turn up to one of the politician’s place to find out why, to find all his furniture gone.
Of course the law was only reversed after politicians started getting affected.
“I wonder if his opinions would change if he were on receiving end of a criminal indictment? Has Herb paid all his taxes? Does Herb like to drive after a few libations? Has Herb ever yelled…”
Even funnier: “Does Herb like herb?”
When the legislative snake bites them – the pols – they really spring intio action don’t they. Thanks for your comments, ted By the way, congress I’m told is not bound by much of the equal opportunity legislation. If I’m wrong about this I’d like to know it. ted
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